Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
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