The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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