God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
