i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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