I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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