you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
