when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
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They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
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She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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