Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
