Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
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