he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
