when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
