My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Come back. Shots need mouths.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
