You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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