somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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