my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
