Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
