I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
