I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
