Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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