Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
