i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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