I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
