five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
