She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
