Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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