There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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