i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
