sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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