My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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