Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
