Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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