I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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