I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
