Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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