Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
