I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Too much gin, very little bucket
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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