Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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