oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
