What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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