when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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