i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
