If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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