In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
