I faked an abortion last night.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
