I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
