If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
