ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
