She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
