ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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