sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
