you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
