Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
