theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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