got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
