see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
