I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
