So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
