I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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