I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
